DEAR DEIDRE: I KNOW my wife is out of my league, so I’ve decided to forgive her for having an affair with a colleague. The problem is, I’m struggling.
She still sees him every day and I fear the affair isn’t quite over.
She’s lied to me several times about it — even claiming her fling was with a different man. How can I be sure she isn’t lying now?
We’ve been married for 20 years and are both in our late forties.
I’ve always felt proud to have her as my wife because she’s kind and beautiful, with a great figure, while I’m just an average Joe.
She’s also a great mum, and my best friend. I’m aware I’m lucky.
But last year we weren’t getting on so well. She seemed distracted and easily irritated.
When she wouldn’t talk to me about it, I started digging and found photos and messages that she’d sent her colleague on her work laptop.
They were very flirty and it was clear there was more going on between them than just work banter. I felt sick.
I didn’t say anything for a while, but eventually I couldn’t think about anything else, so I asked her if she’d ever been unfaithful.
She admitted that she’d had a brief dalliance with a man from the gym.
She claimed they’d kissed and “touched” a few times but she said they’d only had sex once. She told me it wouldn’t happen again.
But when I checked her messages again, she’d sent her colleague a note telling him I’d found out she’d cheated, but that I didn’t know it was with him.
I don’t know what to do. I agreed to forgive her but watching her go to work every day hurts.
If I leave her, I’m certain I’ll never find anyone as special. Should I try to forgive and forget?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Please stop putting yourself down, you deserve better from your “best friend”.
Although your wife has admitted to an affair, she’s still lying to you. And you’re not being frank with her about the fact you know the truth, or your feelings.
Nothing will change unless you both communicate honestly. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation effectively.
And Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, may help you both move forward.
Consider couples counselling, too. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
NEIGHBOUR’S ABUSE HELL HAS LEFT ME FRIGHTENTED
DEAR DEIDRE: ALMOST every night, I can hear my neighbour’s abusive husband screaming at her. Afterwards, she cries for hours.
I’m worried about her and scared for her safety. But it’s also affecting my own mental health, as I find it so depressing.
I’m a 62-year-old single woman and have lived next door to this couple for several years. They’re in their 30s.
She’s a lovely woman, who always smiles, says hello and offers to help me carry my shopping.
He is much less friendly and seems to have a drinking problem.
When he attacks her, I can hear every word. He swears, calls her horrible names and sometimes throws things at the wall.
I don’t want to say anything, as I’m sure she’d be embarrassed that I know what’s happening.
But I think she should leave and want to help her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Witnessing this abuse must be extremely distressing. But unless your neighbour wants to leave, you can’t do anything.
Next time you see her, invite her in for a cuppa and see if you can get her to open up.
If she confides in you, offer your help. Give her my support pack, Abusive Partner, and suggest she contacts Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk).
If you’re feeling depressed, it’s important you talk to someone, too. Make an appointment with your GP.
NEW MAN IS LOVELY BUT LIFE IS A BORE
DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH my new boyfriend treats me like a queen, he’s boring, vain and obsessed with the gym.
After a series of abusive relationships, I love being with someone who respects me. But I’m starting to think he’s not “the one”.
I’m a 34-year-old woman who is keen to settle down.
My boyfriend, 36, is a lovely man. Unlike my past lovers, he’s kind, never puts me down and is always taking me out and spoiling me.
But his only hobby is going to the gym and working out.
I don’t like exercisin and I am partial to a drink and the odd takeaway – things he won’t do because they’re not “clean living”.
This means I find myself holding back from being myself when I’m with him.
Should I walk away from this relationship, even though I’m not unhappy?
DEIDRE SAYS: You like this man but you have little in common and he bores you. Worse, you’re changing yourself in order to please him – which could be the legacy of your past relationships.
He’s a nice guy – which you deserve – but being treated well by your partner is the least you should expect. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship.
Now you know there are decent men out there, perhaps it’s wise to look for someone you share interests with and enjoy spending time with.
My support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, should be helpful.
EX IS USING KIDS TO GET REVENGE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship with my ex has become so strained that she’s making it almost impossible for me to see my kids.
I’m not allowed to call them or pick them up from her house, and I can only see them when and where she chooses.
It’s not fair – I love them and have always been a good dad, even if I wasn’t always a good partner.
My ex and I are in our early forties and have three young children.
We split up two years ago, after I was – stupidly – unfaithful.
She’s never forgiven me, which makes co-parenting very hard as she won’t communicate with me at all. Every conversation turns into an argument. She treats me like I’m the devil.
But being mean to me isn’t enough for her. Now I feel that she’s taking her revenge by restricting my access to the kids.
I’ve told her we need to put our differences aside for their sake. I miss them so much and I’m also worried about how this is affecting them.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex is being selfish. She needs to put your children’s needs first.
However young they are, this tension will be having an adverse effect on them.
My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains more about the effects of parental disharmony on children. Ask if she’ll read it too.
Try to sort things out with her. Consider mediation – if she’ll agree. Find out more through National Family Mediation (nfm.org.uk).
But if you can’t come to a satisfactory arrangement yourselves, you may need to get legal access arrangements in place. Contact bothparentsmatter.org.uk (0300 0300 363) for advice on this.
