QUICK prediction for this year’s Strictly Come Dancing winner.
Dave Arch.
Saturday’s chaotic group dance saw 15 couples performing to Bruno Mars’ APT on what appeared to be an emergency evacuation theme[/caption]
Strictly hosts Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman[/caption]
One big hope for the show would be showbiz reporter Ross King[/caption]
He’s got undeniable rhythm and if the band leader can just remain upright, until December, he’s got as much chance of winning as anyone.
And probably slightly more than Thomas Skinner.
A judgment based largely on Saturday’s chaotic group dance, where 15 couples performed to Bruno Mars’ APT on what appeared to be an emergency evacuation theme. To what dance style it was staged, though? I have no idea.
Indeed, if you’d told me Dave’s orchestra pit was on fire during the finale, I’d have quite easily believed you, such was the level of panic and confusion among most of the amateur dancers by the time it was over.
It was, in short, exactly the sort of funny climax the show desperately needed, on a night when there seemed to be only three acceptable responses to every single one of Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman’s questions.
Sickly routine
Anxious to avoid any further hint of the sort of scandals that have threatened to overwhelm the show over the past couple of years, the celebs were allowed to be “buzzing”, “out of my comfort zone” or a combination of the two.
No other deviation or emotion was tolerated, though, unless they were prepared to go for broke, like Stefan Dennis and Harry Aikines- Aryeetey and claim their kids were the ones who were buzzing to see them out of their comfort zone.
It was meant to give the evening a wholesome and reassuring vibe, as was the sickly routine where every single celebrity claimed Johannes/Katya/Vito/Karen/The one who looks like Betty Boop was “exactly the dancer I wanted to be paired with all along”.
What the dancers truthfully think of their celebrity partner is a question that’s never asked, but you cannot imagine any of the pros was exactly overwhelmed by the level of fame on offer from the class of 2025.
Three of them, in fact — Lewis Cope, Ellie Goldstein and the bloke off the internet — I have genuinely never clapped eyes on before.
While a lot of the others are either clinging on to fame by their fingertips or desperately trying to recreate past glories from a sporting career.
Into this over-represented category I’d uncharitably bung: Chris Robshaw, Ross King, Vicky Pattison, Balvinder Sopal, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and fellow footballer Karen Carney, who made the most surprising admission of the night when she said: “I hooked my dancing shoes in the wrong hole.”
Then left them up there, judging by the way she was moving during the group dance.
As BBC compliance rules clearly demand, there’s also a man (Christopher Dennis) dressed up as a woman called La Voix — who looks like Ronald McDonald after he’s been violated by The Hamburglar in a Belmarsh seg unit, when he’s in costume.
But is only slightly less sinister when he’s being plain old “Chris”. Stardust is stretching it a bit, but in terms of headlines, the most famous member of the celebrity cast is probably Apprentice star Thomas.
This is partly down to Thomas’s own oafishness, unfortunately. It owes a lot more, however, to a torrent of social and political snobbery from the broadsheets who have tarred and feathered him with the description “right-wing commentator”.
He’s neither of those things, truth be told.
Thomas is just a patriotic and relentlessly cheerful bloke who had the “temerity” to accept a BBQ invitation from American Vice President JD Vance — who would’ve had his arms bitten off if he’d dangled such a thing in front of any of those lofty souls from The Guardian or Daily Telegraph.
Personally, I welcome his presence because, whether it’s provided deliberately by Bill Bailey and Chris McCausland, or accidentally, via Tony Adams and Ann Widdecombe, the greatest gift Strictly provides is always laughter.
Normally, it’s reliant on one person to flick the comedy switch. This year, judging by that group dance, it could come from any one of half a dozen celebrities.
Thomas, Jimmy, Chris, Stefan and the bloke off the internet are all in the frame.
If I had to name just one big hope, though, it’d be showbiz reporter Ross King who has a vaudevillian air about him, in as much as he looks a bit like Chico Marx but dances more like Groucho, doubled-over and stalking around the ballroom as if he’s in quite a lot of pain.
All of which puts me in a slightly unfamiliar position. “Buzzing” would probably be a bit of an exaggeration, but I am definitely looking forward to this series.
Dave Arch, it’s yours to lose.
Apprentice star Thomas Skinner, probably the most famous member of the celebrity cast, pictured with Amy Dowden on the show[/caption]
DEAN A NEWLY DREAD
IF Auntie has learned anything from BBC1’s Stranded On Honeymoon Island disaster, it’s hopefully the fact that wedding-day humiliation shows should be left to the experts.
Properly malicious sods, like E4, who’ve caused havoc with the pairings on the latest Married At First Sight: UK, where cool customer Leah has been lumbered with Leigh, the world’s most demanding and angry lesbian, and “old school” businessman Ashley is staring down the barrel of a life with “uptight feminist” Grace, who is offended by absolutely everything.
No one’s suffered more, though, than ferocious Sarah from Aberdeen, who longed for a tattooed bad boy with more red flags than Xi Jinping’s birthday parade, but ended up with full-time cringemonger Dean, who makes David Brent look like Cary Grant.
Love song
A man who just cannot stop performing, no matter how much you beg him.
To the point Dean even punctuated the wedding ceremony vows with a call and response rap chant: “I say ‘Dean’, you say ‘wed’. DEAN. WED. DEAN. WED.”
A move that knackered any chance of a blissful life together, even before he serenaded Sarah with his heartfelt love song about sharing mugs of cocoa.
The real challenge for Dean, though, will be returning alive from the couple’s honeymoon in the Maldives where the bride, with as much tact as any Aberdonian woman has ever mustered (full disclosure: Not much), pointed out his constant rapping was ever-so-slightly, really quite, insanely bloody “annoying”.
A short silence resulted, followed by a brief period of reflection, before Dean, to my delight and utter astonishment, started rapping again.
“I say ‘Dean’, you say ‘wed’.
“DEAN.” Dead.
“DEAN.” So f***ing dead.
UNEXPECTED MORONS IN BAGGING AREA
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The town that stands at the foot of Ben Nevis is Fort what?”
Rebecca: “Knox.”
Bradley Walsh: “The title character in what pantomime became an MP in 1416?” Pauline: “Jason Donovan.” And Bradley Walsh: “People who are closely aligned are regarded as being as thick as what?”
Paul: “Two short planks.”
GREAT TV LIES AND DELUSIONS OF THE WEEK
Married At First Sight: UK: “She will fall for me. Trust me, it will happen, I’ve been here before.” Dean.
Strictly Come Dancing: “I’m known for being simply fabulous.” La Voix.
And Stranded On Honeymoon Island: “I am Megan, I am not just Sam’s ex.” Sam’s ex.
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
A DISAPPOINTING fifth Slow Horses series self-sabotaging with a lazy and predictable political agenda.
Katya Adler using BBC2’s Living Next Door To Putin “investigation” as an excuse to go skiing in Finland. ITV’s morally bankrupt Good Morning Britain allowing Nels Abbey to smirk his way back into their studio after his repulsive KKK smear, the morning after Charlie Kirk was assassinated.
And Stranded On Honeymoon Island contestant Sam, whose habit of using abbreviations ended with him asking new bride Hannah: “How are you feeling ATM?”
ATM?
I’d like you to GTF, FYI.
THANKS to BBC sport for supplying the image that summed up not just Britain’s performance at the World Athletics Championships but the Beeb’s grovelling coverage and insipid coverage as well.
BBC sport supplied this image of the World Athletics Championships[/caption]
Left to right: “FARKEN”, “SHITE”.
HOWEVER, TV name of the month is still the Post Production Co-ordinator from Stranded On Honeymoon Island, Krupa Kuntawala.
LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK
David Tennant in The Hack, left, and Quentin Crisp, right[/caption]
THIS week’s winner is David Tennant, in The Hack, and the late, great Quentin Crisp.
Sent in by Paul Burkett, Crete.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
SHAY GIVEN: “He’s got some big feet to fill.”
Colin Jackson: “In the end, we started with the men’s relay.”
And Michael Dawson: “Daniel Levy has done well for Spurs, businessly.” Not so well footbally.
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV GOLD
ALL of the beautiful tributes to gentleman journalist John Stapleton, one of those rare and natural broadcasters who was loved and respected by all of his colleagues and everyone in the media.
Dorothy winning £30,000 on Beat The Chasers.
Dean’s mortifying but unforgettable wedding day rap on Married At First Sight: UK. The brilliant paint pot scene at the end of episode four on the new Slow Horses run.
And actor supreme Toby Jones, who made for an absolutely brilliant Elton John on ITV’s somewhat smug and rather disjointed new drama The Hack.
It seems a bit of a shame then that he was actually meant to be Alan Rusbridger.
But hey.
TV MYSTERIES
TV mysteries: Why is Abbott Lyon the “proud” sponsor of Olivia Attwood’s Bad Boyfriends?
How come Walford remains Britain’s last cash-only society?
Where has fearless anti-government corruption rentagob Carol Vorderman vanished to since the last election?
And why are female impersonators regarded as compulsory on all light-entertainment formats, but any suggestion of black-face is practically a hanging offence?
