THINK cheating is all about your partner texting other people, liking sultry Instagram posts or sending dodgy DMs? Sorry to break it to you – it’s not.
One in three people are financially unfaithful, according to research by University College London, and the impact on their other half can be so damaging it lasts for years.
The consequences are grave – especially if you share finances or pay bills or a mortgage together.
Financial infidelity could end up ruining your credit score and landing you in serious debt without you even realising AND through no fault of your own.
According to psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, there are many reasons why someone might financially cheat – such as a desire to control their partner, avoid feelings of shame or stop arguments.
And the “secrecy and betrayal” behind it can be just as devastating as being at the hands of a real love rat.
“In a healthy relationship financial openness is part of emotional openness, and secrecy around money tends to signal secrecy in other areas too,” she adds.
So when does your partner simply managing their own money slip into something more sinister? From the body language hints which give it away to decoding ‘receipt deceit’, we explain how spot you’re with a money cheat and ways to protect yourself.
Sign #1 – They won’t open letters in front of you
Be wary if your partner refuses to open letters or look at bank statements in front of you[/caption]
Have you come across stashed away financial documents, or noticed your other half leaving the room or being secretive when the post arrives?
“If your partner ducks out of opening bank statements or bills when you’re around, that’s a flashing red warning sign,” says Kara Gammell, personal finance expert at MoneySuperMarket.
“It could mean they’re hiding debt, ignoring overdue payments, or even keeping accounts that you don’t know about.
“A healthy financial relationship is built on openness, so if they’re going out of their way to keep things hidden, it’s time to sit down and get to the bottom of it – before things spiral.”
Not only is hiding letters a huge breach of trust, it could also have serious long-term impacts on your own finances if there’s hidden debt involved.
If you decide to open a joint account or get a mortgage together and you find out your partner is in debt, “this can affect your credit score, increase your liability for repayments, and even lead to legal issues if your debts aren’t repaid,” says Sebrina McCullough of charity Money Wellness.
Sign #2 – They’re spending on the sly
Financial cheaters might get rid of receipts and packaging to hide evidence of their purchases[/caption]
If you notice your partner has made some big surprise purchases without telling you, it could be time to delve a bit deeper.
We’re of course allowed to spend our hard-earned cash however we wish, but if your partner is hiding their splurges from you it can lead to huge problems – especially if they’re spending beyond their means.
“It’s often not the spending itself, but the secrecy around it that signals financial infidelity,” says partner at family law firm Vaitlingham Kay Solicitors, Thomas Pavey.
Financial cheaters might get rid of receipts or bin packaging to hide the evidence of purchases.
They could even be stashing away their buys or not wearing or using them in front of you so you don’t question them.
If you have a joint account, keep an eye on income and outgoings – unexplained large withdrawals should raise eyebrows, especially if your partner clams up when you try to talk about them.
“In healthy financial relationships, major transactions should never come as a surprise,” says Michael Foote, finance expert and founder of comparison site Quote Goat.
If you’re married, it’s particularly important to keep a paper trail if you suspect financial infidelity, as this can be used as evidence in divorce proceedings if things really escalate.
“Keep a record of suspicious transactions, unexplained withdrawals, and any correspondence you can access. Dates, amounts, and account details matter,” Mr Foote adds.
“Even taking screenshots of online banking activity can help establish a timeline of what’s been happening.”
I’m a money expert and my partner financially cheated on me – it can happen to anyone
MONEY expert Sarah Coles, head of personal finance at Hargreaves Lansdown, became a victim of financial infidelity in her 30s. The now 50-year-old from North Somerset was left to pick up the pieces when her partner lied about his debts.
Here, she shares her story with The Sun:
When I was in my 30s, I got together with a partner who promised me the world.
When we first moved in, we talked about pooling our resources and buying a house once his divorce was finalised.
I paid the rental deposit, covered the rent and bills, and started making plans. We even looked at houses together.
It was several months down the line that I discovered his personal debts were so big and badly managed that far from being able to help buy a house, he was going to be drawing from the relationship financially rather than adding to it.
He didn’t tell me this. I was doing the calculations for the financial side of his divorce and worked it out myself. By that stage I was pregnant.
It’s not the only time I’ve faced financial infidelity, but since then, I’ve been much better at spotting the signs.
I won’t accept vague answers to financial questions, I’m suspicious about changes in spending patterns, and I’m not afraid to ask difficult questions.
I know we all make mistakes and that people tend to be reluctant to admit they’ve done something daft: these aren’t dealbreakers.
It’s if it crosses the line into lying and cheating that I draw the line.
Having said that, I firmly believe it’s not compulsory to tell your partner about every aspect of your finances.
My husband and I have rules that mean the bills account is paid first every month, and neither of us can go into debt without discussing it first.
We also have savings towards joint goals and are straightforward about our pension position.
But other than that, we’re very clear that we have our own financial lives and the freedom to live them as we want.
I have savings that he doesn’t know about, because I know that life doesn’t always go to plan, and when things go south, having a safety net can make all the difference.
I imagine he has the same: I’ve never felt the need to ask.
Sign #3 – Their tone and body language is off
If your partner is secretive when it comes to money this can be a sign of financial infidelity[/caption]
How your partner behaves when you talk about money can be a telltale sign of infidelity.
Becoming secretive, defensive or irritable when finances are being discussed – or trying to avoid the subject altogether – is a red flag.
Dr Louise adds: “People might deflect with phrases like, ‘It’s nothing,’ or, ‘Don’t worry about it,’ or they may turn the question back by saying, ‘Why do you need to know that?’
“Body language can also shift, with a sudden drop in eye contact, fidgeting, or even becoming overly detailed as a way of covering up.
“These signs do not prove financial infidelity on their own, but mostly you are looking for changes in cadence.”
One technique she suggests is a ‘self-check’: take note of how you feel when the topic of money comes up.
“If you find yourself anxious about asking questions, or if you are consistently discouraged from being involved, this points to a deeper relational imbalance,” she says.
Couples therapy can also be a good first step to addressing the causes of financial cheating and getting your partner to open up about money.
Sign #4 – You can’t remember the last time they got a work bonus
Can you remember the last time your partner told you they got a raise or a bonus in work? And are you sure you know how much they earn?
This can be a subtle but worrying sign of financial disloyalty.
“If your partner keeps their pay rise or bonus a secret, it’s not just a fib – it’s a full-on breach of trust,” Ms Gammell says.
“Household finances are built on honesty, and when one person isn’t upfront about what’s coming in, the whole budget rests on shaky ground.
“It can create a false sense of security and, before long, resentment can creep in.
“What’s more, it’s bad for your wallet too. Without the full picture, you can’t budget properly, pay off debt faster, or save towards big goals like a house or retirement.
“In the end, one person’s silence can leave you both paying the price.”
If you want to broach the subject of salary – or any sort of money matters – with your partner, you could start by talking about more casual money issues, such as saving for a holiday or budgeting for the weekly food shop.
Sometimes, hiding details of income and debt can come from a place of shame, so this can make it easier to gain your partner’s trust and make them more comfortable talking about more serious money issues.
Sign #5 – They insist on managing household finances by themselves
Is your partner insisting on handling money matters without you?[/caption]
You may think they’re doing you a favour, but if your partner is managing most or all of the household finances without your input, this should send alarm bells ringing.
“Money should be something couples feel able to talk about openly, but sadly that isn’t always the case. If one partner insists on handling all the finances by themselves, it can be a red flag,” says Ms McCullough.
If your partner is paying all the bills from their own bank account and under their name, not only could you be left in the dark about your household finances, but you could also be putting yourself at a financial disadvantage.
When you apply for a loan or other form of finance in future, the lender will want to know if you can pay them back.
A history of paying your bills on time is a good way to show this – but if your partner is managing all the bills, you won’t have any evidence of this.
“Financial control can sometimes slip into financial abuse, especially if the other partner is left in the dark about bills, debts or how money is being managed,” Ms McCullough adds.
If you’re worried the behaviour is moving into financial abuse, you can contact organisations such as Money Wellness, Citizens Advice, Refuge and Surviving Economic Abuse for free, confidential support.
Sign #6 – Their money habits have suddenly changed
If you start noticing sudden changes in your partner’s behaviour when it comes to money, it might be time to start asking questions.
Perhaps they’ve started spending more lavishly, or gone from being a big spender to becoming frugal all of sudden.
“A sudden change in the way your partner spends money can sometimes be a warning sign of financial infidelity,” Ms McCullough says.
“This might look like unexplained cash withdrawals, new credit cards, or being reluctant to share account details.
“You may also notice lifestyle changes or purchases that don’t fit with your usual budget.”
The signs of financial abuse and how to get help
IF your partner is controlling your financial affairs, this may signal more serious financial abuse.
You should be aware of the signs of economic abuse. These can include, but aren’t limited to:
- Stopping you from going to work, college or university
- Causing you to lose out on benefits by not letting you go to appointments at the Jobcentre or apply for jobs
- Controlling your access to essential things, such as food, clothing or transport.
- Forcing you to take out money or get credit in your name
- making you hand over control of your accounts – this could include changing your login details
- Cashing in your pension or other cheques without your permission
- Adding their name to your account
- Pressuring you to change your will in a way you’re not comfortable with
- Offering to buy shopping or pay bills with your money, but taking it and not using the money how you agreed
- Asking you to prove what you’ve spent your money on
- Stopping you accessing your bank, loan or credit card accounts
- Controlling what you can and can’t spend your money on
- Setting up Direct Debits from your account to pay bills which aren’t yours or pay for goods and services which you haven’t bought
- Pressuring you to arrange for your benefits to be paid into a bank account you don’t have access to
- Pressuring you to draw down, transfer or stop making pension payments
- Making you take out new insurance policies or stopping you paying your existing ones
To gain access to help, you can contact Women’s Aid: on their website, and online chat service.
You can also call the freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 200 0247
How to protect yourself from a money cheat
Your partner may be ordered by the court to give you a share of any hidden assets in a divorce settlement[/caption]
“If you suspect financial infidelity, it’s important to approach the conversation with care and seek support,” says Money Wellness’s Sebrina McCullough.
If you do share some or all of your finances, using free budgeting apps such as Emma or Plum, or turning on joint account alerts – so you can see exactly when money leaves your account – can reveal inconsistencies.
Ms McCullough also says you should consider speaking to a financial adviser or free debt advice provider, which can tell you exactly what your rights and options are.
StepChange debt charity and Citizens Advice both provide free debt advice services.
Even if you’re not married, being a victim of financial cheating can have serious consequences.
If you apply for finance with someone, such as a joint credit card or mortgage, they become what’s called your “financial associate”.
This means that their credit report can also be taken into consideration if you decide to apply for a loan or another form of finance in future.
If you’ve discovered your partner is financially cheating on you and you no longer want them linked to your credit report, you can apply to have them removed as a financial associate.
The first thing you’ll need to do is close any joint accounts you have with them, according to Equifax.
You’ll then need to ask credit reference agencies to place what’s known as a notice of disassociation on your credit report.
If you are married and discover your partner has been keeping money secrets from you, your partner may be ordered by the court to give you a share of any hidden assets in a divorce settlement.
“From a legal perspective, you have clear rights on divorce if you discover that financial infidelity has occurred,” says Rachel Spencer Robb, a partner in Family Law at Clarion.
“The courts take financial dishonesty seriously. Hidden assets can be recovered and included in the division of assets, and deliberate concealment may result in adverse inferences being drawn against the dishonest party as well as potentially costs orders being made against them.
“Importantly, you’re entitled to complete transparency about all financial matters affecting your household – this isn’t just morally right, it’s legally protected.”
If you’re not married, you could consider putting a cohabitation agreement in place if you live together or are planning on moving in, as this can give you some financial protection.
According to law firm Stewarts, this is a legally binding document between unmarried couples who are living together, that sets out each person’s financial responsibilities and what will happen if you split up.
It can include things like bills, mortgage or rent payments, bank accounts, debts, pets and assets like cars and property.
If you split up and disagree on money matters, the cohabitation agreement can be enforced by the Family Court.
You’ll need to hire a family law solicitor to properly draft the contract for you – although this can cost more than £1,000 in fees.
How to increase financial transparency in a relationship
THOMAS Pavey, partner at family law firm Vaitlingham Kay, shares five ways to improve financial transparency in a relationship.
- Agree simple ground rules, like discussing any purchase over a certain figure, so there are no surprises.
- Keep a joint account for household bills and savings. It makes day-to-day spending more visible and reduces the scope for secrets.
- Have regular financial check-ins, just as you would with childcare or diaries. Talking about money openly helps stop problems festering.
- Make sure both partners know about each other’s main accounts, debts and assets. Hidden liabilities cause real difficulties if uncovered later.
- If you are couple thinking of getting married, consider having a pre-nuptial agreement. Not only does this lead to thinking about what may happen during a divorce but it encourages couples to think about how they will manage their finances during their relationship.
Do you have a money problem that needs sorting? Get in touch by emailing money-sm@news.co.uk.
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