DEAR DEIDRE: MY friends all seem to be giving me the cold shoulder since I admitted I’m having sex with a married man.
I strongly believe some affairs are justified, yet my mates are being so judgmental.
They say my lover is no more than a cheat, that I’m a fool for playing his game and that I’ll just get hurt by him.
I’m 42, he’s 46 and we met a year ago when I was the model in a life-drawing class.
His easel was directly in front of me, and I felt his approving eyes as I lay on a blanket on the floor.
Normally, I start to ache, but this time I basked in his attention, arching my back to make my chest more prominent.
After the class, they served coffee and we got chatting.
I spotted his wedding ring and wrote him off.
But as I was leaving the building, he caught up with me and asked me for a drink.
I said I wasn’t interested in married men, and he said it was “not like that” and that he would explain over a glass of something cold.
Afterwards, he told me that his wife is ten years older, they never had children, and they no longer live together.
She moved out to nurse her sister through a long illness and never came back.
He now lives alone in their home.
I needed proof this was true, so he invited me to his house.
Walking in, I could tell he lived alone.
It was clean but untidy.
So when he leaned in to kiss me, I thought, “Why not?”
After that first kiss, we went upstairs and had sex all night.
I’m an independent woman.
I have my own business as an artist and do nude modelling for extra cash.
I prefer casual relationships and never wanted kids.
Now we have developed a routine and see each other several times a week — for sex or dinner, or just to hang out.
It’s easy, fun and natural.
My friends are horrified.
They are mostly married or in long-term relationships and think what we are doing is morally wrong.
What’s your view?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: He is still married and wears a ring, and his wife could come back at any point.
You don’t really know what is going on in their marriage.
Yet you are investing plenty of time and energy in this relationship.
I’m afraid your friends are right, you are leaving yourself vulnerable.
You’ve convinced yourself you are happy with something easy and fun, but what happens if his wife moves back home?
I’m sending you my support pack, Your Lover Not Free, so you’re aware of the pitfalls you might face.
My pack also looks into unconscious reasons why you might have chosen a partner who cannot fully commit to you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
COLD FEET AS TINDER DATE NEARS
DEAR DEIDRE: ALARM bells are starting to ring as my long-distance Tinder date approaches.
I met a woman online three months ago.
We live 400 miles apart so our relationship has been conducted online.
We video chat or call each other several times a week, and message daily.
She’s 37 and one of the best-looking women I’ve ever dated.
We arranged to meet in a few weeks’ time for a weekend away in a hotel.
We were both excited and talked about how we couldn’t wait to kiss and touch each other, finally.
But as the long-awaited date gets closer, a few things she said are raising red flags for me.
For example, we were once discussing whether we wanted children.
She said she’d love to have a child, but that she wouldn’t name the father on the birth certificate because she wouldn’t want anyone else to have parental responsibility.
She said it would only cause problems in the future if she split from the dad.
And also, she seems to get strangely jealous if I can’t message or call her.
Several times recently I’ve been out with friends, and she’s bombarded me with texts throughout the evening.
When I didn’t reply immediately, her messages went from friendly, to suspicious, to angry.
All this seems a bit off.
As our date gets nearer, my feet are getting colder.
Am I just nervous?
DEIDRE SAYS: These might be first-date nerves, but her behaviour is certainly worrying.
Her attitude towards parental responsibility is particularly concerning.
If not named on the birth certificate, a father does not have parental responsibility, but he can apply for it through a court. Most mothers wouldn’t withhold it for no good reason.
Her jealousy is extreme and she is displaying a lot of controlling behaviours.
Long-term, that could make the relationship both hard to enjoy, and difficult to leave.
If you’re having doubts, it might be better to end this relationship before you meet.
If you decide you want to go ahead with the date, make sure you keep checking in with yourself and asking if your original worries have dissipated or intensified.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, explains how to break things off gently but firmly.
It also advises on what to do if your ex tries to manipulate you into changing your mind.
THOUGHT OF SEX WITH MY PARTNER REPULSES ME
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M not sure if I’m menopausal or if I’ve simply fallen out of love with my partner.
The thought of sex is repulsive to me. I’m 49 and my last period was nearly a year ago.
When I read of menopausal symptoms, they all mention hot flushes and night sweats.
I’ve had neither, but I’m grumpy, my memory is shot, and I can’t bear him touching me.
We’ve been together for four years and I used to think he was kind and considerate in bed.
But these days, nothing he does turns me on. I wish he’d leave me alone.
DEIDRE SAYS: Loss of libido is a common sign, but the menopause is different for every woman.
The drop in oestrogen and testosterone during menopause can make sex uncomfortable and unwelcome.
My support pack Menopause Explained has helpful advice, and information on finding support.
You don’t have to make any decisions about your relationship, but it might be an idea to (gently) tell your partner about what you’re experiencing.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY two grown-up daughters won’t stop arguing.
I’m worried what will happen to their relationship when I’m no longer around.
I’m 55 and mother to two beautiful girls, 21 and 23.
The older one lives with me full-time, the other is away at university but comes home for holidays.
I split from their dad a decade ago.
I’ve met someone new and would love to move in with him.
But I’m scared my daughters’ bond will dissolve if I’m not there to sort out their fights.
The older daughter is messy.
She leaves dishes in the sink, wet towels on the bathroom floor, dirty clothes all over her room.
I can live with it, but it drives my younger daughter up the wall.
When they’re both home together, my youngest is constantly raging at her sister to be tidier. And she yells at me for not making her pull her weight.
If I stay over at my boyfriend’s house, I know one of them will call me during the evening to sort out the latest blazing row.
It makes me sad because they were close growing up.
Now, they seem to irritate each other.
What will happen when I’m not here to referee?
DEIDRE SAYS: Children often don’t realise the impact their sibling relationships have on their parents’ happiness.
I’d start by explaining how their arguments affect you, and how upset you feel when they fight.
I’d also encourage them to suggest ways they can resolve their differences, rather than imposing your own views.
Ask the younger one how she deals with house-sharing problems at university.
What solutions could she practise at home?
Find a plan that seems fair and manageable to both of them, then try it for a month and review how it’s going.
Don’t feel that you have to referee every row, especially when you’re enjoying a date with your partner.
Sibling relationships are a lifelong bond.
Even if they don’t seem close now, they could very well start to appreciate each other again in the future, when the domestic issues aren’t there to cause stress.
LOST EVERYTHING TO BOOZE ADDICTION
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE lost everything to alcohol – my girlfriend, mates and nearly my job.
I’m 35 and, no matter what I do, I cannot stop drinking. I’ll have six or seven cans of beer every day after work, then finish the night with a half litre or so of spirits – vodka, whisky, whatever I can get.
My girlfriend left me because I was moody and never wanted to go out.
And my friends think I’m a liability because I let them down, or cause aggro when we’re out.
I tried AA but it didn’t work for me – I got more drunk after my first meeting than I ever have before. How can I quit?
DEIDRE SAYS: Do not give up your fight against the booze. AA might not have been a good fit for you but there are other places to get help.
First, talk to your GP. They can provide confidential help and refer you to a range of NHS addiction services.
The charity We Are With You (wearewithyou.org.uk) provides support to people in England and Scotland who have challenges with alcohol, drugs or mental health.
