DEAR DEIDRE: OPENING our family laptop to be confronted with a line up of barely legal naked women gave me the shock of my life.
But my son’s reaction when I demanded to know why he thought it was acceptable to look at such filth on the shared computer, was even more concerning.
Incensed at my discovery, I thundered up to my son’s bedroom, accusing him as soon as I walked through the door.
He’s my only child, 17, and I soon regretted my reaction when it became clear he was completely confused.
He swore to me he had never looked at porn on our laptop and almost at the same time we both realised who had.
I’m 49 and live with my son and second husband, who is 52.
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I went back downstairs and looked over the browser history.
There was a very clear pattern; most nights immediately after my son and I had gone to bed, my husband logged on to adult sites for 20 minutes or so.
It was bad enough when I thought it was my teenage son, but far worse realising my husband who has two daughters in their early 20s was looking at teenage porn.
These women were over 16, but only just.
He is definitely old enough to be their dad. It’s humiliating and unsettling.
Suddenly, our waning sex life made sense. For the past year he hadn’t come anywhere near me.
When I had it out with my husband he did seem ashamed and very embarrassed.
He’s promised he won’t do it again, but I’m worried he’ll just get better at covering his tracks.
My son is now refusing to talk to him and there is an awful atmosphere in the house.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re understandably upset by this discovery and your son is deeply unsettled.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of relationships that are affected by the compulsive use of pornography.
Many adults, mostly male, have become over-reliant on pornography which blunts their appetite for intimacy with their real life partner and can increasingly lead them down more and more extreme paths.
Afterall, porn sites make their money by serving up increasingly niche and spicy content, to the point where users are compelled to pay for that particular blend of adult content.
First and foremost, it’s important to work out if your husband genuinely wants to kick this habit, which very much sounds like a porn addiction.
If he does, and is committed to rebuilding the trust in your relationship, you have a chance.
Ask him to get in touch with Pivotal Recovery (www.pivotalrecovery.org) who offer a recovery programme and free introductory course called Pivotal Foundations.
It’s important to apologise to your son for accusing him and also for your husband to open up about his struggles with porn.
If he can also show your son he regrets his behaviour and is determined to change, your son is more likely to give him another chance.
Your son might want to talk to someone completely unconnected with your family and The Mix (themix.org.uk) offer a free mental health text and counselling service.
It may also be worth considering family counselling to help you all move forward.
My support pack How Counselling Works, explains more.
Dear Deidre’s Porn Problems
From hidden habits to broken trust, pornography problems frequently appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One man admitted his porn use had escalated to disturbing extremes, leaving him worried it might prevent him from having a loving sexual relationship.
Another reader shared that his fiancée ended their decade-long relationship because of his compulsive porn habits.
And a third woman discovered her husband secretly watching porn in bed, leaving her feeling betrayed and unsure how to restore intimacy in their marriage.
THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF ONLINE PORN
Pornography platforms are designed to keep viewers engaged, often using algorithms that predict what users will click next.
While most content is legal, the system can inadvertently push people toward more extreme material over time.
The hook
- Recommendation algorithms: Sites track viewing history and suggest increasingly specific niches to keep attention.
- Clicks and watch time: The longer someone watches, the more extreme or unusual content the algorithm may surface to maintain engagement.
- Psychological reward loops: Novelty triggers dopamine release, creating a cycle where users seek “new” or more stimulating material.
Escalation path
- Many viewers start with standard adult content.
- Algorithms and repeated exposure can nudge users toward increasingly specific or extreme niches, including:
- “Teen” or “barely legal” categories (still 18+ but fetishising youth)
- Fetishised sexual acts such as BDSM, domination, or role play scenarios
- Group sex, non-monogamy, or polyamory-themed content
- Violent or aggressive sexual content (simulated assault, rough sex, humiliation)
- Incest-themed or taboo role play scenarios
- On poorly moderated or peer-to-peer platforms, users may even unintentionally encounter illegal content, including child sexual abuse material.
- Over time, this escalation can desensitise users to more extreme acts, normalising fantasies that may be far removed from real-life sexual norms.
Risks
- Desensitisation: Repeated exposure can normalise increasingly extreme or taboo sexual scenarios.
- Legal consequences: Accessing underage content is a criminal offence, with severe penalties.
- Impact on relationships: Escalating porn habits can erode intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and trust with real-life partners.
Getting Support
If your porn use feels compulsive, starts escalating toward extreme or illegal categories, or begins to interfere with your relationships, it’s important to seek help early.
Speaking to a trained professional can provide guidance, set boundaries, and address underlying issues driving your behaviour.
Support is available from organisations such as:
- Relate (relate.org.uk, tel: 0300 003 2972) – for couples and relationship counselling
- StopSO (stopso.org.uk) – for sex addiction and compulsive sexual behaviour
- Specialist sex addiction therapists or clinics – to manage compulsive use and its impact
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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