DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself having sex with random men.
I’m only in my early twenties, yet I’ve had sex with more than 60 partners in all manner of locations.
I’ve even done it behind a church. I know it sounds terrible, and believe me, I feel it, but I just can’t seem to stop myself.
Most weekends are a blur of drinking and going out with my mates, and we love going to festivals whenever we get the chance.
The thing is, when I’m out and a guy shows me attention, I feel this intense pressure to give him what he wants.
I tell myself I have to have sex with him, otherwise, he will be disappointed and lose interest in me.
Last weekend, I was so determined, I told myself: “No casual sex tonight.”
I went to a pub in town with my friends, and a couple of guys started chatting us up.
One immediately focused on me. He was really nice and seemed so genuine, and we spent the whole evening together.
The pub was hot, so we went outside for some fresh air. We started kissing and, before I knew it, we were having sex in a quiet corner of the beer garden.
Afterwards, when we went back inside, everything changed. He was completely uninterested in me, as if I had served my purpose.
That is when the disgust and shame hit me. It is always the same story when I’ve had a few drinks.
Sober, I would never do this, and I hate who I become in these moments. How do I stop this cycle?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: The feeling that you have to give men sex or face their disappointment suggests a big issue with your self-esteem.
This isn’t about being a bad person, it’s about not valuing yourself highly enough. It is possible past experiences have led you to see yourself as a sexual object, but you can change that.
You need to build up more positive feelings about yourself so you don’t feel compelled to give yourself away, and you can take back control.
An important first step is to simply reduce your alcohol intake.
All this casual sex is not only eating away at your sense of self-worth but it’s also putting your sexual health at risk.
Try sticking to soft drinks on nights out – it’s easier than you think and will help you make clearer choices. My support pack Raising Self-esteem will help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
DAUGHTER’S ‘HUSBAND’ IN AFRICA TAKES HER MONEY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter has got herself into a situation that breaks my heart and is draining her financially.
She’s 33 and I’m her 62-year-old dad, a widower on a fixed pension I need to be careful with. Her mum died ten years ago.
I know I’ve financially supported her for too long, and I recently discovered she’s sending money to a 24-year-old man from The Gambia.
She says they are married but she’s never shown me her marriage certificate. She insists it’s all legal and above board but it sounds suspicious tome.
He’s still abroad and the only time he calls her is to ask for money.
She’s already in debt but always sends the cash to him. It’s obvious he’s taking advantage of her but she’s too blinded by love to see it.
She won’t listen to a word I say and yet he keeps asking for money.
I’m afraid she’ll lose everything.
DEIDRE SAYS: This does sound like a scam. Be firm and tell her you can’t afford to help her financially any more.
While it is difficult to get anything across to her, continuing to give cash only encourages her dependency. It’s time she took control of her finances.
My support pack, Solving Debt Problems, will assist her.
It might help if she lists the pros and cons of her relationship. She sounds to be clutching at straws that he cares, but this might give her some clarity.
I’M SO SHY AROUND OTHER PARENTS
DEAR DEIDRE: BEING the youngest mum at my six-year-old son’s school, I often feel like an outsider.
At the age of 21, I am much younger than the other parents, who seem to have established close friendships.
My severe shyness only makes things worse. It is hard enough for me to say hello, let alone begin a conversation.
I know I would struggle to build a real connection. I hear them chatting about their weekend plans or a girls’ night out and I feel so sad. It hits me every time.
It’s my son’s second year at school, and I have yet to be invited to a single night out. It is a constant reminder of my social anxiety. It leaves me feeling isolated and lonely.
I would love to be part of their group. I just don’t know how to go about it.
My son is so happy there, which is great, but it is a tough experience for me.
DEIDRE SAYS: People can often mistake shyness for being stand-offish.
To get around this, why not decide to reach out? Say hello to a mum you think seems a little quiet and not at the centre of the action.
Smile and give her a simple compliment. It can be a great starting point.
If the conversation goes well, think about inviting her and her child over for coffee and a play date. It is a low-pressure way to connect.
My support pack Shyness And Social Anxiety will be helpful to you.
MUM AND LOVER WANT ME GONE
DEAR DEIDRE: I NEVER imagined feeling like a stranger in my own home at the age of 28.
It might seem unusual to some, but living with my mum has been normal since my parents’ messy split when I was a boy aged ten.
My friends have all settled down with partners, but I have been content to stay here while I save money for a place of my own.
Then everything changed when my mum, who is 48, met her new partner, who is 51, three years ago. They got engaged and he moved in early this year but we don’t get along.
He is constantly telling me I am too old to be here and that I should move out. Now, my mum is saying the same thing.
It feels like a betrayal. They want to sell the house I grew up in and buy a new one – a fresh start for them, without me.
My mum says she will help me with my rent for at least the first year, but that doesn’t make me feel much better.
This is not a choice I am making. To me it just feels like I am being pushed out to make room for her partner. It hurts more than I can say and I don’t want to leave.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you feel pushed out. This situation, though difficult, could be a significant turning point for you.
It’s clear your mum is ready for you to embrace independence and start your own adult life.
Her offer to help with your first year’s rent is a great start, and it’s a sign she’s committed to helping you make the change.
Having your own place will open up a world of possibilities, including the freedom to invite new pals over.
Finding new friendships is key to building your social life. My support pack, Widening Your Social Scene, has plenty of ideas.
