WATCHING my wife Amy take off her clothes I can’t imagine the moment getting any hotter until a second woman starts undressing too.
Soon they’re naked and they start kissing before beckoning me over to join them on the bed – but when I take off my jeans the unthinkable happens.
It’s August 2022 and we’re in the ‘playroom’ at a swingers club, and everywhere I look there’s scantily clad women getting it on with couples. Myself and Amy included.
But I have a serious dose of first timers stage fright.
We’d been building up to this moment all night. I was about to live every married man’s dream scenario, having two women all to myself.
But one crucial part of my body wasn’t ready at all, my erection was non-existent.
To some extent, I managed to join in so whilst we left the venue in Maidstone, Kent, feeling seriously excited about what we’d just experienced, we were seriously deflated too.
Amy did her best to be reassuring, telling me: “It’s just one of those things, we will work it out – it must happen all the time.”
And back home we had passionate sex with no issues, the kind of intense sex you’d expect after witnessing your partner enjoying pleasure with someone else – it went on all week.
But could we risk a repeat of the first time in a room full of strangers?
We’d started talking about swinging in early 2022, 18 years into our 21-year long marriage after watching an episode of Channel 4s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, a TV show which sees couples explore non monogamy. It made us feel curious.
Our sex life has always been incredible, but the thought of being more adventurous excited us both.
It was obviously a big step and we needed to discuss possible repercussions, first and foremost we’re a family and we didn’t want to do anything that could risk the happiness of our marriage and therefore our two children’s wellbeing.
We talked about every possible concern and scenario from how to navigate jealousy to whether we wanted to play together or separately. Amy’s bisexual – so that was something she wanted to explore – whereas I’m straight.
One scenario that didn’t cross our minds is that I’d have a sudden onset of performance anxiety and not be able to properly join in – it had never happened before.
Our first taste of swinging was in April 2022 when we went on an adults only cruise from the UK to Bruges.
It was loads of fun and we met some other couples but whilst we ended up kissing, that’s as far as it went.
It’s all about trial and error and experience – and whilst I’ve taken Viagra with me ever since, I once made a huge error.”
Ben Barr
We both enjoyed it and after talking some more when we got home to Margate, Kent, we decided to go along to an adult club called Pleasures.
And despite the glitch that first time in August 2022, we met loads of great people and knew we wanted to open our marriage again. We’re both very open minded, Amy even works as a dominatrix.
A few weeks later we went back to the same club. Before heading out the door I tucked a little blue pill into my pocket – Viagra. I wasn’t risking a repeat episode.
On that occasion I rose to the occasion a little too quickly and it ended more prematurely than I’d hoped for, while we were playing with another couple.
But at least I knew I could get an erection, despite the understandable nerves of having sex in public.
It’s all about trial and error and experience – and whilst I’ve taken Viagra with me ever since, I once made a huge error.
‘I thought I was going to die’
At a Christmas party for swingers in 2023 I made a terrible decision.
After taking the usual 50mg dose for a confidence boost it didn’t work so I took another…and then another. Stupidly, I ended up taking six – and still nothing.
The more I worried about what was happening the worse the situation became and back in the hotel later the pills hit me.
Amy didn’t know what I’d done but when she fell asleep the side effects really fired up.
I had heart palpitations, my body went into spasms and then came a blinding headache.
I lay there feeling dreadful – I honestly thought I was going to die.
Ben’s wife Amy was asleep when the brutal consequences of his decision kicked in during the night, hours after he’d left the swinging club[/caption]
How does Viagra work?
SIDENAFIL – the main ingredient in Viagra – belongs to a group of medicines called phosphodiesterase 5 (PDE5) inhibitors.
It works if you have erection problems by temporarily increasing blood flow to your penis when you get sexually excited.
It also works in pulmonary hypertension by relaxing blood vessels in your chest.
This increases the blood supply to your lungs and reduces the workload of your heart.
Men over 18 can take the pills for ED and most adults and children aged over one can take sildenafil for pulmonary hypertension.
Sildenafil is not suitable for some people.
To make sure it’s safe for you, speak to your doctor or pharmacist before taking sildenafil if you:
- Have ever had an allergic reaction to sildenafil or any other medicine
- Are taking medicines called nitrates for chest pain (angina)
- Have a serious heart or liver problem
- Have recently had a stroke, heart attack or a heart problem – your doctor should carefully check whether your heart can take the additional strain of having sex
- Have low blood pressure (hypotension)
- Have a rare inherited eye disease, such as retinitis pigmentosa
- Have sickle cell anaemia (an abnormality of red blood cells), leukaemia (cancer of blood cells) or multiple myeloma (cancer of bone marrow)
- Have a deformity of your penis or Peyronie’s disease (curved penis)
- Have a stomach ulcer
- Have a bleeding problem like haemophilia
Source: NHS
Like an idiot I didn’t go to hospital, but instead I just stayed in the room, panicking. It must have taken a couple of hours before it all subsided.
I learned a valuable lesson.
From that night on I’ve been extremely careful, never to mess around with the dose and if one tablet doesn’t work then I accept having sex it isn’t happening.
Alcohol and sex don’t mix well for me either and if I drink too much I only have myself the blame.
On Amy’s 43rd birthday recently we went to a different club in Surrey and I drank too much vodka which meant I couldn’t have sex at all.
Some men might recoil at the thought of letting their wife have sex with two other men while they feel like a spare part but I like it, so I told her to carry on without me.
I just felt like an idiot for over indulging.
No topic is off limits on the swinging scene.
Statistics reveal 41% of men under 50 experience performance anxiety rising to 50% of men in the 50 to 70 years age group – but I’d say almost three quarters of men I’ve talked to at the clubs admit to having issues.
One man couldn’t get an erection for three months and nearly gave up. He hadn’t realised that most men on the scene were taking pills of some sort to boost their confidence in their ability to perform. Once he discovered Viagra, there was no stopping him.
And it hasn’t held me back either – in our three years of swinging I’ve slept with 55 women, while Amy’s been with 53 men and around 40 women.
Despite the occasional blip where my manhood refuses to play ball – we’re still getting our fair share of the action.
Amy says: “I never take it personally if a man can’t get an erection when he’s with me – as I know how keen Ben always is, and that sometimes it just doesn’t happen. It’s important for women to realise that it’s not about them, it’s something the man is experiencing and he probably feels frustrated enough.
If it happens to me when I’m with someone else, then I just try to make them feel relaxed and usually guide their partner towards them as they know what’s most likely to make them relax and go with it.”
The couple now have sex with others regularly and have slept with more than 100 people altogether[/caption]
