DEAR DEIDRE: PEOPLE think I have the perfect life, with a happy marriage and a job I love, but I’m grieving for the end of an affair and I feel completely lost without my lover.
I am 38 and he is 44.
We are both married but our relationships are long past their prime.
I feel so alone, especially since my husband and I have been like brother and sister for years.
For the last five years I have been a carer for a lovely old lady.
She became a wonderful friend and confidante.
My lover is her son, and our love developed after his mum sadly died.
He asked me to help him clear out her house and that is when we grew closer.
We bonded over our shared grief, talking for hours about how much we both missed her.
One day, as we spoke, he suddenly pulled me in for a hug.
It was so comforting, I didn’t want him to let me go.
Then he kissed me, confessing that he had wanted to do so for months.
He made me feel desirable and beautiful in a way my husband hasn’t in years.
He led me up to a bedroom and we had the most magical sex.
My lover is a kind and sensitive man.
Our affair lasted for six wonderful months but then he called it off.
We still text and call each other every few days but I am torn over whether I should tell him how strongly I still feel about him.
Could telling him I love him change his mind?
I don’t think he knows how deeply I have fallen for him.
For me, this wasn’t just an affair, it was love.
I wonder if for him it was just convenient.
I don’t think I can face life without him.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: He has decided to call off your affair and it’s best if you can accept that for now.
As long as he stays with his wife, a future with him is unlikely.
For your own recovery, it would be best to end all contact with him, otherwise this will only keep you hooked in.
Instead, focus on what you learned from your affair. You certainly enjoyed feeling loved and alive.
You can feel that way again and it’s worth exploring whether you can reignite that spark in your own marriage, or think about setting yourself free.
It is time to build a life that makes you happy and fulfilled. You deserve real love, not just a temporary fix.
My support pack Looking After Your Relationship could help you decide one way or the other.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
HELP ME GET FREE OF PORN
DEAR DEIDRE: THE results of an online survey I completed confirmed my worst fear – I am a porn addict. I am so worried and need some advice.
I am only 25 with a beautiful girlfriend and a baby daughter. I love them both so much but I am worried I may lose them. I’m terrified and yet, I can’t seem to stop.
For a year now, I’ve been hurting my girlfriend by looking at porn even though I know it could ruin my family life. The survey said I’m an addict, and the saddest thing is I wasn’t even shocked when I saw the results.
I can’t keep pretending this isn’t a problem, but being an addict isn’t an excuse for my behaviour. I have to find a way to stop this before I lose everything.
The shame and guilt I feel are a huge part of this vicious cycle, but I have to be the man and father my family deserves. I just don’t know where to start.
DEIDRE SAYS: Admitting you have a problem you are struggling to fix is not an excuse, it is the first step towards change. The next step is finding support.
Porn is designed to be addictive and is affecting more and more people, so you are not alone. My support pack Pornography Worry explains self-help.
Porn addiction isn’t about the sex, it’s about escaping negative emotions.
You can also get support through pivotalrecovery.org, which has a free introductory course called Pivotal Foundations.
PAL’S TEEN HAS ATTITUDE PROBLEM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY friend is convinced her son is the target of bullying but I am not so sure.
I think her son, an only child, is simply over-indulged.
I am a 35-year-old single woman.
My friend is 36.
We have been friends since we worked together, long before her son was born.
He is 14.
He is an attention-seeker and used to being the centre of her universe.
The moment the focus shifts from him, a pout replaces his smile.
His behaviour makes me think the problem is not other people, but his own attitude.
I have tried to broach the subject with my friend, but it is like talking to a brick wall.
It is like she has a blind spot when it comes to her son.
She just shuts down the conversation and refuses to believe that her son could be anything but a victim.
I worry that if this behaviour isn’t dealt with now, it could lead to bigger problems in the future.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your concerns are valid.
It’s a difficult age and can be hard for a parent to see their child so unhappy, especially a teenager when emotions are often intense.
Suggest your friend talk to the school.
They can offer a different perspective and might be aware of specific issues that her son isn’t willing to share.
She can also contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222) for additional support.
SHE IS SO BUSY, I NEVER SEE HER
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend is the most amazing, passionate woman, both in her career and in our relationship.
We have been together for almost a year, and I have loved every moment we’ve shared.
At 28, I feel she is the one but her new business venture is testing us to the max.
A couple of months ago, she started her own online store and she is rushed off her feet.
It seems to have been an instant success, which is fantastic for her although she has been swamped. She is 27.
I understand the dedication it takes to get a new business off the ground but it’s been three weeks since I’ve seen her.
We text and talk on the phone but it’s not the same.
The distance has been frustrating.
Feeling neglected, I gave her an ultimatum – either she commits to spending one evening and a half day with me each week, or we are finished.
It was a rash decision because I was hurt. I really regret it.
She apologised, told me she loved me, but admitted she couldn’t promise me that time right now.
I know my ultimatum was unfair.
She’s not trying to push me away, she’s just incredibly busy.
I don’t want to lose her.
I know I was wrong to pressure her but I’m struggling to cope with the lack of time together.
How can I support her while also making sure my own needs are met?
DEIDRE SAYS: You have to accept this is who she is right now.
She has started a business and it demands her full attention.
She can’t just put her dreams on hold for you or anyone else.
Decide what you want from a relationship.
If you need a partner who is always available, then this might not be the right relationship for you.
Instead of focusing on what you are missing, enjoy the quality time you spend together.
Support her passion and find your own interests to fill the gaps.
Otherwise, you may need to rethink whether this relationship can work for you long-term.
