DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE got my lover pregnant and my wife can’t conceive. Do I encourage my mistress to have my longed-for baby or try to convince her to get a termination?
I’m 34 and my wife is 33. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for eight. We were childhood sweethearts.
We’ve always wanted a family, but after going through numerous fertility treatments, including IVF, nothing has worked. The emotional toll is huge.
Sex is a reminder of the failure and stopped being fun. My wife eventually lost interest once the hope of having a baby faded.
I’m a regional manager at a large retail chain, in charge of staff who are mostly female.
The last boss was known for promising promotions and bonuses in return for sex, so it was no surprise I got the chance to cheat.
I didn’t intend to be unfaithful, but the temptation was huge — and I’ve now got a reputation like the previous guy after sleeping with around 17 of my colleagues.
It’s a part of my life I don’t feel proud of, but my wife has no idea. It’s my secret.
Things at home are stable. She has a good job, we share a lovely house and enjoy travelling.
I know she still hurts at not being able to have a family, though.
One of the women I slept with has now told me she is pregnant. She’s sure it is mine because she was single when we had sex.
My life has fallen apart. I can’t bear to think how my wife would feel should she find out — but this might be my only opportunity to be a father.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Exchanging sex for favours is a serious betrayal of your wife and an abuse of your professional position.
Fertility struggles can be distressing, together with the deep disappointment that comes with failed treatments, but it doesn’t excuse your behaviour.
No matter what happens with this pregnancy, I urge you to put an end to your predatory and opportunistic behaviour at work.
This is pure and simple sexual harassment and you would no doubt lose your job should your company find out.
The legal and practical reality is that this woman’s feelings about this pregnancy will determine what happens next.
Before speaking to her, seriously consider what your life will be like if she has your child. It would be very unrealistic to imagine a happy family fantasy.
You can’t be sure this is your baby, and common sense dictates you’ll need to get a DNA test once it’s born. My support pack, Unplanned Pregnancy?, explains more.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I’VE GONE OFF SEX WITH HIM
DEAR DEIDRE: WHAT started as a passionate romance with my lovely boyfriend has lost its spark.
I’m 25 and he is 26. We’ve been together since we were teenagers.
He’s my first sexual partner.
At first, our connection was amazing. He used to describe me as being like “a sex-mad rabbit”. But that’s all changed.
I find myself saying no to him much more often. He has noticed the change and his reaction is to go very quiet and distant, which only makes me feel worse.
It is not just him. I seem to have lost my mojo for everything. Things that once easily turned me on, like a sexy novel, now feel like the same old, same old.
I worry that he thinks I don’t love him at all, but that’s not it.
Sometimes, I think giving it all up and becoming a nun would be the ideal solution.
DEIDRE SAYS: What was going on in your life when you started to feel like this? Stress or worries often damage a woman’s sex drive.
If you can’t think of anything, think about the state of your relationship.
You’ve been together since you were very young – are you still happy or has the relationship run its course?
Perhaps you are ready for a more serious commitment and your boyfriend is not so keen. Pick a moment to talk to him openly if you want to stay together and get your spark back.
My support pack on Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive explains more.
DEVASTATED BY ASSAULT IN STREET
DEAR DEIDRE: MY walk home turned into a terrifying ordeal when I was attacked in the street. Since then, I’ve been a mess.
I am a 23-year-old man. I live in a flat with my girlfriend and was on the way home after work one day.
Suddenly, a man rushed at me. He ripped off my jacket and punched me in the face. He then tried to strangle me while shouting vile abuse.
Luckily, another man came towards me to help and my attacker ran off. At home, my girlfriend saw how badly shaken I was and insisted we report it to the police.
While I’m glad of her support, this attack has affected me deeply.
My face was cut and bruised and I feel embarrassed telling people about it. It keeps replaying in my head.
I feel like a coward because I couldn’t protect myself. I’m so glad my girlfriend wasn’t with me. The thought that I might not have been able to protect her is unbearable.
It’s completely destroyed my confidence. I feel worthless.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry this happened to you, but such a shocking attack would leave anyone feeling vulnerable.
Any well-adjusted person would feel sympathy, not judgement, towards you. Talking about how you feel might help others show support.
Contact victimsupport.org.uk (0808 16 89 111) for help.
Think about joining a self-defence class to regain confidence.
BLOKE’S STILL HUNG UP ON EX
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend thinks I am being paranoid about his ex-girlfriend – I’m not, as he’s the one who just can’t seem to let her go.
I have been with him for eight months and, while I like him, I can’t shake this feeling that I am competing with his past.
He broke up with his ex three years ago, but you wouldn’t know it – it feels as though she is still in the room with us.
I am 28 and my boyfriend is 29. It is the little things that get to me, such as when I was cold, he offered me his ex’s jumper.
When I forgot my perfume, he handed me a bottle of hers.
The worst bit is his spare room. There are photographs of her still hanging on the wall. Then there are the constant comparisons. If I say I like yoga, he says she did, too. It is the same with the wine I like and the food I eat.
He even lied to me, saying we had to sleep in separate rooms at his parents’ house because they wouldn’t let us sleep together, when I knew that he slept with her at their house.
The final straw came last week. I was looking for a photo he took of me on his phone and saw a folder full of pictures of her.
He says I am being paranoid, but it feels to me as if he can’t move on. I am starting to think he sees me as a replacement.
DEIDRE SAYS: His behaviour is hurtful, inappropriate and signals that he hasn’t fully moved on from his ex.
Have a calm conversation with him and tell him that when he talks about her, makes comparisons and clings on to her belongings, it makes you feel second best.
While it is reasonable for him to keep some mementos out of sight, he must be upfront about your relationship with his parents.
He needs to understand that if he wants this relationship to work, he needs to let go of the past.
If he can’t, it may be time to reconsider your future as a couple.
